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It really bothers me that the voice that often comes out when I speak is not what I would consider my true voice. It's hard to describe what a true voice is and how mine differs from the voice I use everyday. It's also sort of hard to figure whether one should use their true voice all day every day in the first place. A lot of things are strange.

I'm trying out a lot of new things as a kind of self care but I am not sure what will help or what will stick. Everything just seems sort of weird and uncertain, and I feel like a lot of doors are closed to me. There are a lot of things I want to do but at the moment a viable future is not seeming like something I'm going to achieve. I want change but I can't MAKE change from where I currently am, and it is frustrating.

I feel like I'm not moving florward, in more ways than one.

My health issues worry me because they're closing certain doors, and unfortunately a lot of those doors are to things that I actually want to do. But the process surrounding these problems is a long one and there's nothing that I can do but wait and see if anyone can find out what's wrong.

Mentally I am sort of in the same boat, but with slightly more control. It's not a question exactly of what is wrong, but rather, how to handle the multitude of things that I know are wrong. Some are things that I've been putting off for a long time and some are things that are new. Sometimes it's just a deep feeling of wrongness, and there aren't many specific things that I know of which can combat that. I'm trying to balance getting better with the things I need to do.

I don't really know where I am going with this entry, just that it's one of the many things I'm doing to try and feel better. Part of that might be acknowledging how I feel without, at the moment, getting my brain in a flurry thinking of ways to solve it. Everything is really hard right now, that's all.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Modern society is so wholly unsuited for a soul like mine.

As the Goo Goo Dolls say, "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?"

Your heart and soul don't really matter, everyone is judging you by how successful you are.

Maybe online people would, but in the real world when someone wants to know what you're doing, "today I worked on not wanting to die" is never gonna be an acceptable answer to their question. You always need to have a job and nobody's gonna care if you're inches away from the edge unless it impedes your ability to work.

This is a bit of a sulking post but sometimes this is the only thing I can think about.

 
 
 
 
 
 
No one ever truly knows you.
No one can see inside your soul and really understand who you are. At least that is how it feels.

And I know "people aren't mind readers" and all that, but at the same time no one wants to write out a list that says "Here is who I am, here is everything about me". Nobody COULD do that. It couldn't possibly contain everything and even then something about the feeling would not be right - because anybody can know something if they've got a manual about it. Sometimes spelling it out makes you more alone than if they never knew anything at all.

So the best you can do is leave a bread crumb trail. You drop out little bits and pieces. "This song is very important to me." or "This is my favourite book" or "here is something I would never do".
And you hope that anyone cares, that anyone is interested in putting together those clues and building the picture of what you are. That people see all of these things and understand what they are to you. Understand what you're made of on the inside.

but sometimes people don't
hell, even most of the time, maybe they don't.

i guess you can't blame them but it gets tiring after a while.
you put the clues out there clear as you can make them
But no one even bothers.
 
 
 
 
 
 
You can't save anyone.

That's the biggest joke that's ever been played on us. The biggest lie we've ever been taught. That we can save someone else. But you can't. No matter what you do, THEY have to save THEMSELVES. Nothing will work otherwise. No matter how hard you try.

And the opposite is also true,
and maybe it's just a bit more cruel of a lie

We're told that people can save us. That another person can save our lives.

But you've got to save yourself. It doesn't work any other way.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Either you accept that the monster doesn't exist, or you accept the monster for what it is.
But you can't live while hating yourself.

Sometimes I think that I'm a terrible person. Sometimes it really worries me.
I have always tried to remember two options

a) I am not terrible, based on the evidence of the times when I am good to people, and the amount of bad things I keep myself away from

or

b) I am a terrible person and that will not change no matter what I do, so there is no point in feeling bad about it.

Either one can rationalize away the feeling, it can keep the panic away for a little longer. I don't know if it is thoughts, feelings, or actions that makes someone a bad person. I don't know what the deciding factor is.

but I know that you can't get anywhere by treating yourself as the enemy.

You have to always be on your own side, no matter what.
 
 
 
 
 
 
This seemed interesting! So I think I'll do it, probably one question a week. I feel like I probably have better answers at this point than I might have earlier.

  1. Tell us about your favorite writing project/universe that you've worked with and why.

  2. What gender do you prefer to have as a protagonist? If you have no preference, what gender do you most often have as a protagonist?

  3. How do you come up with names--for characters, and for places if you're writing about fictional places?

  4. Tell us about one of your first stories/characters!

  5. By age, who is your youngest character? Oldest? How about “youngest” and “oldest” in terms of when you created them?

  6. Where are you most comfortable writing? At what time of day? Computer or good ol' pen and paper?

  7. Do you listen to music while you write? What kind? Are there any songs you like to relate/apply to your characters?

  8. What's your favorite genre to write? To read?

  9. How do you get ideas for your characters? Describe the process of creating them.

  10. What are some really weird situations your characters have been in? Everything from serious canon scenes to meme questions counts!

  11. Who is your favorite character to write? Least favorite?

  12. In what story did you feel you did the best job of worldbuilding? Any side-notes on it you'd like to share?

  13. What's your favorite culture to write, fictional or not?

  14. How do you map out locations, if needed? Do you have any to show us?

  15. Midway question! Tell us about a writer you admire, whether professional or not!

  16. Do you write romantic relationships? How do you do with those, and how “far” are you willing to go in your writing? ;)

  17. Favorite protagonist and why!

  18. Favorite antagonist and why!

  19. Favorite minor character that decided to shove themself into the spotlight and why!

  20. What are your favorite character interactions to write? (Arguments? Love scenes? Brawls?)

  21. Do any of your characters have children? How well do you write them/how comfortable do you feel writing them?

  22. Tell us about one scene between your characters that you've never written or told anyone about before! Serious or not.

  23. How long does it usually take you to complete an entire story—from planning to writing to posting/submitting for publication (if you post/submit)?

  24. How willing are you to kill your characters if the plot so demands it? What's the most interesting way you've killed someone?

  25. Do any of your characters have pets? Tell us about them.

  26. Do you draw your characters? Do others draw them? Share a drawing/some drawings of your characters, created by yourself or others! (If no one has drawn them and you can't draw, why not at least make an avatar?)

  27. Do appearances play a big role in your stories? Tell us about them, or if not, how you go about designing your characters?

  28. Have you ever written a character with physical or mental disabilities? Describe them, and if there's nothing major to speak of, tell us a few smaller ones.

  29. How often do you think about writing? Ever come across something out in the world that reminds you of your story/characters?

  30. Final question! Tag someone! And tell us what you like about that person as a writer and/or about one of his/her characters!

 
 
 
 
 
 

(title related) Trying so desperately not to write these characters in a romantic relationship and yet all their feelings about each other are typically reserved for romantic pairings.
No seriously they are not lovers but pretty much the only reason they're not is because I say they're not?
Well, I really think that it's more of a matter of how our media portrays things normally. All these things are "reserved" for lovers so much that it is very hard to see friends feeling this way about each other. Maybe I'm just not articulating things well right now.

But other than the feelings the characters have, I only have the barest shreds of plot and vague characterization (other than the feelings).

The two songs that create large inspiration for this story are:
Love To The Stars - Breeze v. UFO & Lost Witness
Clarity - Zedd ft. Foxes

So that doesn't help with the fact that they're not an actual couple.

It bothers me when I have all these characters' feelings but not enough of a story to do anything about them yet. Maybe the remedy for that is just to start writing something and see how it works out. But I'm just not sure I'm prepared enough for even that yet.

 
 
 
 
 
 
Things I need to research for two upcoming stories:

Hermaphroditic sea creatures
Ballet
Different types of intersexism
Cloud formations
Composition of the moon Europa
Effects of another planet's moon blowing up
Development of transgender children who start HRT around puberty

Mostly I just needed a place to keep the list.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Will I sleep though?
Lately I don't want to sleep. I resist it as much as I can. Not because of dreams or anything. I just want to be awake.
But I have work and stuff so generally I have to go to bed at some point.
I'm in a very interesting mood lately.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Sometimes the weight of the world pushes us down.

I am only one person and there's only so much I can do.
You can't save everyone. You can't fix everything.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and leave things up to the other person (And honestly, even if you can't see that, in the end it happens whether you consent to it or not. You will always be a step back.)

In the end, there is only so much you can do.

Even though it will almost always feel like I could be doing more.